I'm So Tired of This Life

I'm so tired of this life.  I'm tired of the pain, the hunger, the work, the struggle, I can't wait till it all ends and we can go home.  Ela went into the hospital again after a week of being home.  She is a 14 month old little girl, who used to have chubby cheeks, who laughed, and brought joy to her parents, and now she lays in the hospital close to death.  She is the youngest child in the family that Matthew lives with.  She was in the hospital for a week, where she was treated for malaria, giardia, and some other stuff, but after a week of being home, and suffering from constant fever, diarrhea, and throwing up, she was taken back to the hospital.  Clarise, the mom was tested for HIV, which, praise the Lord came back negative, and Ela was tested for lots of different problems as well.  We went to find out what Ela's tests said, but the lab workers said that the tests wouldn't be finished till the morning.  The only problem is that the lab workers get upset if they have to work past 12pm, and so they won't rush for tests for anyone, even if it means their death.  What else could we do but walk away and pray that whatever is wrong with her won't kill her before the morning. 

Throughout her time in the hospital she has had multiple IVs, many medications, and has suffered from a seizure.  She's so little, and has been through so much, but because of where we are, I'm not sure there's more than faith that can save her.  Every day the family asks when they can take her home, because she has enough energy to drink breast milk now, so she's better and can go home right?  I wish the family could understand why they're at the hospital, and why they need to stay.

Last Friday I was holding Ela while Clarise took a 5 minute nap, and in those 5 minutes I fell in love with her.  This little 14 month girl who seemed to be dying in my arms, her somewhat chubby cheeks that now sag because of malnutrition is the only thing left that shows that she used to be a healthy little girl.  The rest of her body, overcome by malnutrition, vomiting, and diarrhea, I couldn't help but hurt for her.  She breathes heavy, working hard for every breath.  She would open her eyes for a second, and then they would roll to the back of her head and she'd sleep some more.  Her mother Clarise hadn't eaten in 5 days, and it's not because she's not hungry, but because she has been holding her dying baby for months, and she's overwhelmed with depression, that she can't eat what's in front of her.  I finally understood a small portion of the pain that the people go through here on a day to day basis.  After holding Ela for 5 minutes and praying for her, I started to cry thinking that she is probably going to die, and I can't do anything about it.  But her mother who has loved Ela her whole life, has to sit and watch her daughter die, and can't do anything about it. How much pain she is going through.  As I sat there with her in my arms, I saw three other mothers who were there with their babies, and I saw how tired they looked, and how broken they were, and this is probably the 2nd or 3rd time they've gone through this with one of their children.  They have to be so tired of this life.

As I worked in Pediatrics this week, I would sit with them for hours, giving her liquids, watching her sleep, and praying for her life.  "Why can't I have the faith the same of the disciples?  Why can't my prayer heal her when medicine can't?  I've seen Jesus, right?  I've been with Jesus right?  Why can't my prayer save her?"  I couldn't get these thoughts out of my head, when after every prayer I would sit there and watch her struggle for every breath, when she would cough all day, and when her eyes would roll to the back of her head...God just save her!!  Yesterday she seemed to be getting better; at least she was eating, and she would look around, concentrating for minutes on different things.  Finally, a glimmer of hope.  Maybe these new medications that she got are helping.  But a while later Matthew went over and said that her head would go back and forth like she was struggling for something...struggling for life.  After prayers again last night we left for home, praying that she would make it through the night, and she did, maybe the medications really are helping! 

Today Dr. Olen did say that this was the last thing we could try, and sure she's not looking better, but just maybe.  As I watched her today, she would pull away from drinking milk, and just look at her Clarise with a somewhat pained look in her face, almost as if she was scared.  She is in so much pain.  My Great Physician, please take away her pain, heal her in Your time, and show Yourself to this family.  After Olen did rounds he told the family which medications to give when, and since she wasn't on IV fluids anymore it was okay for them to go home.  They finally got their wish to take her home, so that everyone could get some good rest.  We prayed again, knowing that if the new medications don't work, only prayer will save her.  After Matthew found a motorcycle I drove them home.

Each day brings new emotions, new surprises, and new faith.  I returned to work after taking Clarise and Ela home, and continued with work, while malaria filled Matthew slept in the SM hut.  At 11:30 am he said he wanted to go home to be with the family, and to be there for Ela, but since he wasn't feeling good, and since he's dizzy from the quinine, he asked me to drive him home.  We arrived to a mat filled with women crying.  We arrived to a little, cold body that is finally resting in peace.  God's time to heal her wasn't today, and He will come home again to take her home, but that doesn't take the hurt away... it doesn't stop the tears.  As I sat there and cried with them, I saw all the sisters wailing over her, and Clarise singing and crying by her little body.  God, come comfort this family.  God, come comfort us.  As I sat, the singing continued, and the uncle to Ela came from the market with a little white cloth, something that signifies that she's really gone.  It finally hit, this little girl that I've seen struggle for the past few months, this girl who used to smile at me, who used to hide her face from me, who just this week would stare at me while holding my hand, will never be able to do any of this again on this earth.  But God is good, He is here, and He will never leave.